My Hero

[firstmazda]

http://aces.tabulas.com/tarebear/thumbs/grand-master-chuck-norris-bn.jpg (\"http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty\")

Thumbs up guys!

[Cardinal Fang]

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said \"No one outstares Chuck!\" He is still there to this day

[S.F.W.]

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

[majic]

i was just about to post this.. lol..

The life of Chuck Norris:

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother\'s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn\'t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is \"Charles\". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris\'s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, \"HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!\" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend\'s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, \"Don\'t **** with Chuck!\" Two years and five months later he realised the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually \"Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,\" and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. To prove it isn\'t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of \"beard\". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus\' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying \"booya\".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, \"Bang!\" After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more \"humane\".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can\'t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Hellen Keller\'s favorite color is Chuck Norris. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn\'t a racist. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you\'re thinking to yourself, \"That\'s impossible, I already lost my virginity.\", then you are dead wrong, my friend. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, \"Two seconds till.\" After you ask, \"Two seconds to what?\" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Filming on location for Walker:Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK\'s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn\'t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris won \'Jumanji\' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3-month-old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world\'s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability. When Chuck Norris\'s wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, \"don\'t worry about it honey,\" and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, \"Never question Chuck Norris!!.\"

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

[Cardinal Fang]

http://www.ctgilles.net/images/pictars/dear_god_stop.jpg

[Jeff-TheBiz]

Originally posted by majic


It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Sadly I found this to be the funniest part of the whole post, even imagined that the cards were probably facing the wrong way..

[Caz]

Don\'t forget the cartoon and action figures.

[ds2chan]

lol.. this is a funny thread.. but I think magic posted all the jokes.. :hoho

[Zaku_4]

umm,

i was reading a couple of these a couple days ago, honestly, whats so funny about them.

on a side note: this vin diesel one is really good

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: \"I End Lives.\"

that one made me laugh my ass off.... none of these chuck norris ones though, except maybe the last one.

on ANOTHER side note: are these funny cause thier sarcastic? lol has anyone seen the steven segal clips from atom films? THOSE are hilarious..
hilarious steven seagal stuff (http://search.shockwave.com/search/?site=af&sp-k=Shockwave%7CAtomFilms&sp-a=sp100190fc&sp-p=all&sp-c=2000&sp-q=steven+seagal)

best one is called :on deadly time, i laughed my ass off so much

[majic]

Originally posted by ds2chan


lol.. this is a funny thread.. but I think magic posted all the jokes.. :hoho

who\'s magic?


Originally posted by Zaku_4


umm,

i was reading a couple of these a couple days ago, honestly, whats so funny about them.


i guess you\'ve never seen the texas ranger or the bowflex commercials or any of chuck\'s movies.. tsk tsk..

[Zaku_4]

Originally posted by majic


Originally posted by Zaku_4


umm,

i was reading a couple of these a couple days ago, honestly, whats so funny about them.


i guess you\'ve never seen the texas ranger or the bowflex commercials or any of chuck\'s movies.. tsk tsk..

i havent seen any of his movies, i remember seeing a bowflex commercial, but i dunno. lol hes just an old action movie star right? back in the day the ones that just kill everythign? lol

[Ex-Rolla]

Originally posted by Zaku_4


i havent seen any of his movies, i remember seeing a bowflex commercial, but i dunno. lol hes just an old action movie star right? back in the day the ones that just kill everythign? lol

I highly recommend you rent a couple of his movies... One in particular, Missing in Action.

You think Rambo was Bad Ass???? You aint seen nuthin yet!

[Ex-Rolla]

I\'m sure many of you have seen some of these before.

GI Joe (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/gijoe.html)

a few of these are sooo funny

[chimp]

Chuck Norris once ate 3 72 ounce steaks in 1 hour...the first 45 min was having sex with the waitress.

maybe i missed it but Chuck Norris\' tears cure cancer....too bad he has never cried.

that facts website is wicked funny when you have nothing to do.

[BETRTHNU]

Originally posted by majic


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn\'t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


now that was funny!:p

[iconicrocket]

Didn\'t Bruce Lee kick the **** out of this guy in one of his movie, the one where him and Chuck Norris are fighting in some kind of coliseum and Chuck actually bleeds in the movie. LOL

* Putting on flame suit * :D

We need a poll on this: Who\'s the greatest Martial Artist Superstar of all time?

a. Bruce Lee
b. Jet Li
c. Chuck Norris
d. Steven Segal
e. Jean Claude Van Damage. :)
f. Brandon Lee
g. Anyone else you can think of.

[Shat2]

i think bruce lee is the best... i read from some books that bruce lee and chuck sparred once and chuck got his ass kicked..

[Caz]

Don\'t forget 7 time world Karate Champ and creator of Tae-Bo Billy Blanks.

He tought Shaq the Fine art of Tae-Bo.
Shaq later took the skills he learned from billy and developed Shaq-Fu.
The most lethal of all the Martial Arts.:D

[firstmazda]

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies......

He potato sacks them.

[Cardinal Fang]

Originally posted by firstmazda


Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies......

He potato sacks them.

I think you can rent that movie at AOV.

[ds2chan]

Originally posted by majic



Originally posted by ds2chan


lol.. this is a funny thread.. but I think magic posted all the jokes.. :hoho

who\'s magic?


whoops.. I obviously meant majic.. :p

[whodilly]

Holy crap! I couldn\'t stop laughing! That was friggin hilarious!

The good Chuck giveth, and he taketh away! LOL

The founder of Aikido, Morihei Ueshiba is one of the greatest martial artists.
Bruce Lee definitely kicks ass, and his teachings and fighting system is quite amazing. \"...be like water, it can flow into any shape and can penetrate rock... be like water.\"

[Cardinal Fang]

Wise words Grasshoppa.....

[Caz]

Chuck Norris Song -SNL (http://www.youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM&search=snl)

[Broli]

Let me start by saying i like Chuck Norris

a couple of things!

nobody hit me!

but,

did you know that Chuck failed his first black belt exam!!


here is what happened, he wasn\'t properly prepared for the test, in black belt gradings (at least where and when he went for it) you are to kneel with ur feet crossed and you sitting on them
needless to say this is a difficult task for a prolonged period of time, and in fact u will certainly have u legs go numb, well chuck had this happen and when he was called to preform his test
well, lets just say good old chuck was a bit Wobbly!

thats ok, he learned from his mistakes and passed the next time!

and now he can kick everyone\'s ass!

except Bruce Lee, Bruce lee would school Chucky hands down, any time!

bruce lee was hardcore!




other great martial artists

Miyamoto Musahi (Samurai, never lost a fight and never took a shower)
Chogun Miyagi (founder or Goju Karate)
Gogen Yamaguchi (rumoured to have killed a tiger with his bare hands)
Gitchen Funakoshi (made karate popular in japan, when it was all about Judo and Aikido)

[SourcE]

No questions:

Mas Oyama - Founder of Kyokushin
Bruce Lee - Founder of Jeet Kune Do
Morihei Ueshiba - Founder of Aikido
Broli - Founder of Post-Whore Fu
Hirokazu Kananzawa - General Master of all things kick-ass

And don\'t forget about Ninja\'s (http://www.realultimatepower.net/)

Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don\'t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

If you don\'t believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It\'s an easy choice, if you ask me.

Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can\'t believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that\'s a fact. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can\'t wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).

[SGT06]

Didn\'t Bruce Lee kicked some ninja\'s asses? Or was that samurai. There was one time where good old Bruce was swinging either a ninja or samurai like a helicopter propeller and at the same time he was going ooh..ahh..ooh..ahh...or something like it.