Jokes

[fourtrack78]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're
just waiting.

[Broli]

LOL

nice one Steve

[cyberscorpi0]

:D :D :D
Good One!

[Cardinal Fang]

oh man.......

[iconicrocket]

Good one. ;D

[Jeff-TheBiz]

nice...

let the record show that they were NOT my clients.

[wtom]

nice...

let the record show that they were NOT my clients.


Toronto isn't a small town. Markham, Ajax, and/or Whitby are, relatively, however are. ;)

[fourtrack78]

A young blonde woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water,
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

(ready for this?...)


"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[cyberscorpi0]

Living will...



Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living* room talking about many things. :)

The idea of a Living Will came up and I said to her,* ::)

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug." :'(
* * * *


She got up, unplugged the TV, and then threw out my beer. :o










Bitch... :P

[Caz]

Very good stuff :D

[Cardinal Fang]

;D

[wtom]

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[Cardinal Fang]

Bastard.

;D

[fourtrack78]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c73/fourtrack78/Untitled-1.jpg
Female mouse

[fourtrack78]

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.

Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the
factory?
A. Two test tickles

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

[fourtrack78]

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'

Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'

Replied the buddy.

'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'

The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

[fourtrack78]

Joke 1
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Joke 2
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Joke 3
Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, f*cking stop clapping then!!"

[fourtrack78]

Gotta love old men

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son."

[fourtrack78]

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

[Chuckie]

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.


evolution at work!

[vanpatrick81]

The Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $4-00
for the first ten words and $1-95 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons... When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

[vanpatrick81]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for
good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer!!
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!!!!

[vanpatrick81]

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES!

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.

[wtom]

These three blonde friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold." Funny you should say that," says Mary. "My Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW" says Nancy, "... that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying. The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive. In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

"What happened to you?" ask her two friends. "Mike hit me." came the reply.

"WHAT?! Why?" ask the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him the blow job like you told me to, and all I said was "your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's."

[wtom]

Wedding day notes exchange!

On the wedding day, father-in-law sends a note to son-in-law, "Goods, once taken, cannot be returned."

Son-in-law writes back, "Guarantee void if seal is broken."

[Chuckie]

Wedding day notes exchange!

On the wedding day, father-in-law sends a note to son-in-law, "Goods, once taken, cannot be returned."

Son-in-law writes back, "Guarantee void if seal is broken."


haha.. good one!

[PHO-EVER]

Why I fired my secretary...
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, boss, Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
"ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.


EDIT: (wtom) Changed case (using MS Word "change case" function) ;)

[iconicrocket]

Wow, what's with all the yelling about?

I'm kinda deaf from all that yelling.......

What!?! Can't hear you, speak louder!

;D

That joke would have been funny, if it wasn't for all that yelling. LOL.

[PHO-EVER]

Sorry, it was copied and paste from somewhere. It was funny and thought I would share. I would never spend the time writing such thing.

[DrunknFoo]

Got this joke this morning in my email, was pretty damn funny.
The following may be offensive to some readers. Read within your own discretion...
.
..
...
....
.....
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management (WOW this management team has high standards)

5 Reasons Not to be a Penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head. (ok this is stupid)
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

[wtom]

For his birthday little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it. The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage and no bike!"

[firstmazda]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,
not down there!"

The other one replies, "It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day."

[Pariah]

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.

[Fuman]

Might as well start off the new forum with something funny.
(Following quotes are probably NSFW).
Adminds/Mods, u might want to sticky this to avoid new funny quotes/jokes threads

http://www.bash.org/?104383
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

http://www.bash.org/?262353
<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike
<goatboy> what?
<MooseOnDaLoose> *****.
<goatboy> er?
<MooseOnDaLoose> *****.
<goatboy> and?
<MooseOnDaLoose> *****.
<goatboy> ...
<MooseOnDaLoose> *****.
<goatboy> i dont get it
<MooseOnDaLoose> AND YOU NEVER WILL.
<goatboy> bastard

http://www.bash.org/?602698
<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/09/Unloaded.html
To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/11/OverseasTease.html
Overseas Tease

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

[Zaku_4]

lol

the wizard robe and hat XD. i remmeber reading that on hofo i think. man thats some goood stuff

[Broli]

lol
the one with the *****

that was good too!

[firstmazda]

Here's one for the Cardinal!


What's the best thing about having sex with twenty nine year olds?






















There's twenty of them!

[Broli]

lol

that was pretty good!

[Fuman]

MJ!!!! (not jordan)

[Jeff-TheBiz]

That was good... 20 of them... ha ha//

[Broli]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

[firstmazda]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

[MPS]

1) That's not right......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? . Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP....................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man........................... Dum ***
5) Small Horse........................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach? ....... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift........... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is next week....... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight................. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

[royroy]

they are chinese???? they sound like ching-lish to me la.. lol

[Fuman]

this should get merged with
the jokes thread:
http://www.torontomazda3.ca/forum/showthread.php?t=14632&highlight=jokes

just so people know its not something racist

[firstmazda]

What did the leper say to the hooker??




.
..
...
....
KEEP THE TIP!!

[Broli]

nasty

[Fuman]

What did the leper say to the hooker??




.
..
...
....
KEEP THE TIP!!

whats a leper?

[Broli]

whats a leper?


here ya go (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leprosy)

[Fuman]

i googled that, i didnt think it was the same thing.
i guess it is.
man, i feel sorry for those people...

[Fuman]

http://www.bash.org/?749014

<Poyzin> Jesus Christ I hate buying condoms.
<Kilts> why?
<Poyzin> Okay, I'm at Wal Mart, and I pick out a nice box.
<Poyzin> Then all of a sudden a dad, a mom, and two little girls about 4 or 3 walks by me, so I kinda hold it away from them.
<Poyzin> I find out they're about to use the same register as I am, but I flash the dad the condoms, and he just says "C'mon, sweetie. Let's use the next one."
<Kilts> XD
<Poyzin> But it gets better.
<Poyzin> I scan them at the self checkout thing, pay for them, and walk out.
<Poyzin> As I'm leaving I leave this little voice saying "Daddy, whas a trojan?"
<Poyzin> Without missing a beat "It's a soldier. The kind I wish I had when I met your mother."

[Broli]

yeah it sux to have leprosy

[Garu]

1) That's not right......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? . Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP....................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man........................... Dum ***
5) Small Horse........................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach? ....... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift........... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is next week....... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight................. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

This is Fa Kin hilarious.

[wtom]

Sofa King Hillary Ass

[Silver Bullet]

Ya there's this thing called a search button .. i heard the story :)

My first:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says,

"Second, I want you to relax."

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...."

He sighed.

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box ."

[Broli]

hahaha,
thats Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

:D

[Fuman]

hahaha, good 1. now back to bed for me!

[Silver Bullet]

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

“Mate, it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard, “You’re wearing old baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years out of style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I’m telling you man, you’ll have all the babes you want!”

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, “What’s wrong now?”

“Damn, Mate!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

[Broli]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[Fuman]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

rofl.... why not just wait until he got home... ai... owned

[Broli]

:P

haha, i was wondering the same thing!

hell he woulda been better off doin it in the car!

[Broli]

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go
to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells
her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The
guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is
so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between
the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she
replied that she couldnït because she didnt have any clothes on. He
replies, Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!ï

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the
clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The
clerk replies, "Im sorry, I think he's too far in."

[WLS ZMZM]

Joke 1

A beautifulwoman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions orDermatological
abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate
Breast cancer."


"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient
and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place."

Joke 2
A penguin goes to Arizona on a holiday.
While taking a picture he notices an oil leak under the car.
He hurries to the next town and drops it off at the mechanics. Mechanic says come back in 45 minutes. The penguin decides to have a look at the town. He sees an ice cream parlor and decides to have some. Because he's a penguin he has to eat it with his flippers and, of course, makes a big mess of himself. He returns to the mechanic shop and asks if the mechanic has had a chance to look at his car. The mechanic answers back, "Yeah, looks like you blew a seal".

Joke 3
A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade
students. 'Human beings are the only animals that
stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered,' she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how
precious some of these stories could become, asked the
girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised
his back, and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before
he could say '****', the Rottweiler ate him!'

Joke 4
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there.
Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter.
"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

[Broli]

hahaha

Joke 4 is money!!

:D


A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

[WLS ZMZM]

thats a repeat joke............ from earlier..... good joke though.. how bout this one

a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink... while sitting having his beer he notices a horse at the end of the bar and a large jar filled with money behind the bar. The man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender says " for $5 you get the chance to make the horse laugh, if you get him to laugh, the money is yours.... as you can see many have tried and many have failed" so the guy decides why the hell not let's give it a shot and hands the bartender a $5 bill. He walks over to the horse whispers into his ear..... the horse pulls back looks at the man and starts cracking up.... so the man walks back to the bar and the bartender gives him the jar of money.

A few months pass and again on his way home from work he stops by the same bar and asks the bar tender for a beer.... again he notices the horse is at the end of the bar, and again there is a large jar filled with money behind the bar. So again the man figures I wonder what this is about.. so he inquires to the bartender. The bartender replies " I remember you... your the guy who made my horse laugh...this is going to be harder, this time its $20 to get a shot and you have to make my horse cry" So again the man hands the bartener the money and walks over the horse.... he leans over says something to the horse... and all of a sudden the horse starts crying..... At this point the bartender is really angry as he doesnt understand how the man keeps doing it.... so the man walks back over and the bartender says to him "before I hand you the money, how the hell did you do it..." "simple" says the man, "the first time I told the horse my dick was bigger then his, he laughed, this time I showed him how small it was and he cried"

Joke #2

Three men, one a Greek, one a Jew and one an Irishmen are all talking to God after dying. As god is talking to each of them they all beg for another chance at life, So god thinks to himself, and says to the Three of them, "My sons, I will give you each one more chance at life, you are to take care of one another and make sure that the other does not commit the same act for which you lost your life" God looks at the Jew and the Irishman and says "Make sure the Greek does not sodomize anyone, if he commits this act he will return to the afterlife" God then says to the Jew and the Greek and says "do not let the Irishman drink, for if he drinks again he will be returned to the afterlife" and Finally he looked at the Greek and the Irishman and said "Make sure the Jew does not pick up pennies for if he does he will be returned to the afterlife"

So the three men agree to watch out for one another so they dont re-do the act that cost them their lives in the first place. So God places the three back into the city, as they are walking down the street they pass a pub with a sign that says ""1/2 price pints all night long" So the Irishman starts freaking out and tugging on the the others, he twists and turns his way out of their grip and as he touches the door *poof* he disappears. So the Greek and the Jew continue walking down the street, as they do so... the Jew spots a nice shiny dollar so he looks at the Greek smiles and bends down to grab it and as he goes to reach for it he hears *poof* he turns around and the Greek is gone

[sauga_kid]

:chuckle I was just about to tell your first one there, classic joke:chuckle

[WLS ZMZM]

or how bout this one...
Joke #1

A plane full of girls from a Catholic school goes down in the mountains, and sadly all of them die. So they are all waiting to get into the gates of Heaven, St Peter appears at the gates and says "there are some of you here who are unpure, in order to enter heaven you must purify yourself, in doing so you must dip any part of you in the holy water that has touched a penis" So the girls start looking at each other, the first girl comes up to the water and dips her hand, the next one follows and they continue to dip their hands, all of a sudden one of the girls from the back of the line comes running to the bowl and starts rinsing her mouth out..... St Peter comes over and says "excuse me miss what seems to be the problem here" and the girl says " NO ****ing way am I rinsing my mouth out after Theresa puts her ass in here"

Joke #2

A wife is in her kitchen cooking dinner for her husband, as she is cooking dinner for him, she goes to the fridge to grab something and the handle falls off, so she walks out to her husband and says "honey the fridge handle fell off do you think you could fix it" the husband responds "does my shirt say GE??" Wife:- "No why?" Husband "then I'm not going to fix it" so the wife walks back into the kitchen, 5 minutes later she comes back "honey the washing machine died do you think you could have a look at it??" again the husband says "does my shirt say Maytag??" Wife:- "No honey" Husband:- "then I aint fixing it" The wife walks outside to throw some garabage out... and as she does so the front step breaks... so she comes back inside and says "honey, the front step just broke do you think you could fix it??" again the husband responds "does my shirt say home depot??" Wife:- "No" Husband:- "then **** it I won't touch it, you know what.. you're making me sick.... I can't watch the game in peace im going to the bar" So he gets up and walks out of the house. The wife being as upset as she is starts crying and heads out to sit on the front porch. As she is sitting there a young man walks up to her and asks "excuse me ma'am is everything okay" the woman tells the young man the story. He responds "really thats sad... but I'll tell you what I'll make you a deal.... I'll fix everything here... but you have to do something for me, you can either bake me a cake or have sex with me..." So later that night the husband comes home and notices the front porch step has been fixed, the handle on the firdge is fixed and the washing machine looks brand new. So the husband walks up the stairs and asks his wife how she got everything fixed, she smiles and tells him the story of the young man and how he gave her the option of baking a cake or having sex with him. So the husband laughs and says "well what kind of cake did you bake" so the wife responds "does my shirt say betty ****ing crocker??"

[dentinger]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Fuman]

Not exactly a joke, but I found this pretty funny
http://www.bash.org/?814551
<macks> YEAH DUDE I'M SO GANGSTA I HOLD MY LAPTOP SIDEWAYS WHEN I POST FLAMES

[JMAK74]

A successful business man visiting the Vatican really wanted to meet the Pope face to face. He tried through all the normal channels and was denied everytime. One day, while watching the Pope do his walk across the square from behind the barricades, he saw a bum laying on the steps. The Pope as he walked up the steps, stopped, knelt down and spoke with the bum.

The businessman had an idea. After the Pope was gone and the barricades were removed, the businessman went over to the still laying down bum. He offered him a ton of cash for his clothes and layed where the bum was laying.

The next day, laying on the steps the Pope approached. The businessman was full of excitement "What will he say to me? What should I say?" he thought to himself.

The Pope bent down to the businessman dressed as a bum laying on the steps and said:





"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fark of my steps!"

[Broli]

Not exactly a joke, but I found this pretty funny
http://www.bash.org/?814551
<macks> YEAH DUDE I'M SO GANGSTA I HOLD MY LAPTOP SIDEWAYS WHEN I POST FLAMES



LOL

[sauga_kid]

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his shiny new BMW into
a petro station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
atypical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!

[Broli]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *

MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.



************ ********* *****

FEMALE PROCEDURE:


Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.



4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.


6. Attempt to insert card into machine.


7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.


9. Re-insert card the right way.


10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.


11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.


13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check markup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.



16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.



17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.



18. Re-check make-up.



19. Drive forward 2 feet.



20. Reverse back to cash machine. !



21. Retrieve card.



22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!



23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.



24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.



25. Re-dial person on cell phone.



26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.



27. Release Parking Brake.

[3GFX]

lol....love it.

[Fuman]

lol
Broli, sounds like a real life experience for you!

[cwp_sedan]

That's a good one! lol.

[SpeedBaby]

hahahahah! i must admit, that most of this is actually true in majority of cases....well maybe except for the cell phone part, but yeah, sounds about right lol

[Broli]

haha

ya, i liked that one!

:D

[iconicrocket]

lol.

[se_k]

There was a handsome guy. He was just perfect except one problem . He had the most squeakiest, girlie voice on earth. Cuz of this all the girls rejected him. So to get rid of this problem, he decided to go c a doctor. There, he asked the doctor if he could geta manly voice the doctor said that the reason 4 his girlie voice is due to his oversized male organ. So in order to get manly voice, he must remove "it". The guy ginally gave in and the operation took place. Rigt after he met a beautiful girl. They were such a perfect couple exept 1 thing:chuckle. So in order to solve this problem, the guy had no choice but to get his "thing" back, he visited the doctor and asked to deoperate the procedure and get his "thing" back but the doctor replied in the most SQUEAKIEST, GIRLIEST voice ." im sorry, theres no refund" :chuckle:chuckle:chuckle:chuckle:chuckle:chuckle

[3GFX]

Merged into joke thread.

[se_k]

Merged into joke thread.

ok sorry ^^

[3GFX]

lol, no apologies needed :p ... just keepin all the good ones in one spot to find em!

[Fuman]

How does a girlfriend make her boyfriend happy and sad at the same time?


























Answer: She says, "You have the biggest dick among all your friends"

[Broli]

ttt


for bubbs


This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even tough it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true
This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road.? The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.? Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.

The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out
of the spooky car. Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the
nearest town. Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly
shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech.

Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious
hand that kept appearing. Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs
standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the
other, 'Lard Thunderin Jasus, me son, there's the arsehole who got into the car
while we were pushing it!'

[S.F.W.]

hahaa, that's great!

[DumpInfo]

This is awesome, never came across this before!

[stevenma188]

Lol this thread is funny. Just read through the whole thing.

[iconicrocket]

Teacher asks Tim: "why is your cat at school today?"

Tim (cryin): I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm gonna tear that ***** up when the kids leave...

[mazdabetty]

BALANCE


God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day..
He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth. It's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the Province of Ontario , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and beaches.. The people from the Ontario are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."

God smiled, "There's Toronto ! Wait till you see the hockey team I put there."








:chuckle
GO SENS!!!!!

[Walrus]

A proctologist pulls out a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Hey, some assh0le has my pen."