View Full Version : F My Life
STeeLy
03-02-2009, 12:51 AM
One of the funniest sites I've ever read.
Here's a quick "sample":
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML
Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML
http://www.fmylife.com/
Shotta-KB
03-02-2009, 12:55 AM
hahaha I liked this one:-
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
Thrizzl3
03-02-2009, 12:56 AM
Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML
lmao! pervert
towelsnap
03-02-2009, 01:01 AM
bahahahahaahah
Shotta-KB
03-02-2009, 01:05 AM
This site will keep me entertained for months...LoL
Thrizzl3
03-02-2009, 01:10 AM
Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML.
LMAO this is just bad!
STeeLy
03-02-2009, 01:45 AM
today, i was at a bar in canada and was really hitting it off with a girl. She asked how big my junk was and i told her in inches... They use centimeters. Fml
lmao!!!
shuller1458
03-02-2009, 03:34 PM
Can you guys post some more, because I am at work and can't get on that website. But it's very funny, I live it. Thanks.
S.F.W.
03-02-2009, 03:37 PM
Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/181594) I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/181594) An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/181594) Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/181594) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/181594)
S.F.W.
03-02-2009, 03:45 PM
two more good ones:
"Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the cross walk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML"
"Today, after working for my company for 10 years, my co-workers threw me a farewell party. The boss gave quite an eloquent speech, ending in "we're really gonna miss you Mark." My name is Evan. FML"
MistaChin
03-02-2009, 03:47 PM
first thing you guys did was look at the "Sex" category didn't you....don't lie now
condor888000
03-02-2009, 04:03 PM
today, i went to get a condom because my boyfriend and i were going to have sex for the first time. When i opened the drawer, i saw that every single condom had a jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." fml
lmfao
Pimpin_29y
03-02-2009, 04:17 PM
Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML
Muahahhaha! Thanks for sharing a great site!
iconicrocket
03-04-2009, 09:54 PM
LMAO
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML
dentinger
03-04-2009, 11:31 PM
i've been on that site all night.
its hilarious!
Hives
03-04-2009, 11:47 PM
This is the greatest!!!
Brownsound
03-05-2009, 12:26 PM
Everyone's been talking about this lately. Was it on the news or something?
huyzel
03-05-2009, 03:07 PM
LMAO!
Thanks for sharing this.
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML
Today, when my boyfriend and I were lying in bed, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML
Thrizzl3
03-20-2009, 02:20 PM
o man i forgot about these i need another good laugh:chuckle
Check out www.failblog.org
Here's a sample:
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-baby-name-fail.jpg?w=424&h=500
dentinger
03-21-2009, 01:16 AM
fail?
thats pure win!
classic
Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML
zedtech
03-21-2009, 09:56 AM
This is the quote that got me hooked on FML.
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
:bana
liquidzyklon
03-21-2009, 09:56 AM
LOL, great website to kill time with :)
Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FMLHow can you not know what to do?!
DumpInfo
03-21-2009, 10:38 AM
Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML
:chuckle great selling point!
DumpInfo
03-21-2009, 10:41 AM
hahah I'm hooked on this site!
Fuman
03-21-2009, 05:03 PM
today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because i looked like a man. Fml
hahahha
DumpInfo
03-21-2009, 05:10 PM
^ one listed above is just wrong :chuckle
Fuman
03-21-2009, 05:12 PM
^ one listed above is just wrong :chuckle
you know whats wrong, this is wrong (taken from hondaprelude.to)!
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/board/my-son-s-penis-problem-t55701.html
I didn't want to disclose my real user name for this, so am writing this as a guest.
My son is 19 and though I have not seen him nude since he was a boy, I had seen him by accident about 6 months ago, when he had somehow ended up falling asleep naked in his room after a shower with his door wide open. He was on his back and erect in his sleep. I noticed his hard-on had a severe curve upward. It was bent very sharply like curling up bacwards. I had never seen anything like that on any man. It is about 7" long approximately and is bent more toward the tip in a definite shape of a letter "j", or a hook to attempt to describe it to you.
I was so shocked that I panicked, and woke him up right then and there. Thinking back, it was not very tactful, but I could not wait to try to get at what appeared to be a real problem. It all made sense, how he would not shower at gym class, and didn't date, despite being a very well built and handsome boy into sports always. I had always wondered if might be gay, though he denied it always. He awoke surprised and shy that he was naked, but I moved his hands from his erect penis, and asked him what was the matter.
We sat and talked after locking his bedroom door. He told me it had started when he was like 12 and got worse, and as I examined it more closely and attempted to straighten it out, it would straighten only very slightly before it would hurt him to force it any further. It being erect, it was very hard and stiff. We allowed it to subside by him putting on his robe a while, and was a considerably more normal in the soft state, yet still tending to be curved upwars slightly.
I could straighten it easily while soft, but it would bend back up like rubber. As he became erect again it curled up before my eyes into the "j" hook shape.
Now the doctors all said he is find and it's normal as far as being a medical issue. They said they could operate to attempt to fix it, but the cost was out of my reach. I am a single parent. So we took trying our own methods, in which I would tel him to strok it straight whenever he thought about it, and while masturbating to attempt to work the curle out a little more each time.
I had taken a little massage therapy classes in the past, and I even work on it for and hour or so, 3 days of every week in the evening. It was embarassing for us both in the beginning and I know it still it is, and even more so that he ejaculates everytime during the massage ops: , but it turned out to make massaging it in the post-ejaculation, semi-soft, state really effective because then I can massage it and straighten it. It curls back in my hands and I massage it straight it over and over again, until he becomes erect again and semi hard again after ejaculation, three times in a row, usually over a span of an hour to an hour and a half.
I has given good results, as I would say he is 50 percent improved. I continue to treat him 3 days a week.
I am here to ask anyone with information on this condition for advice and/or tips technics on how we can further correct this.
Thank you all in advance.
condor888000
03-21-2009, 05:20 PM
What the FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKK!
DumpInfo
03-21-2009, 05:20 PM
WTF!! :whoa
That definitely wins over anything I've read here. Seems like something from Jerry Springer. That's just sick and messed up...
Fuman
03-21-2009, 05:41 PM
WTF!! :whoa
That definitely wins over anything I've read here. Seems like something from Jerry Springer. That's just sick and messed up...
What the FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKK!
hope you guys didnt get a mental picture...
SSmoked
03-21-2009, 06:27 PM
WHAT THE F!!!!!!!!! that is just sick and wrong on many different levels.
iconicrocket
03-21-2009, 06:42 PM
Wow, That's just wrong.
Okay, I'm calling BS here. Someone is exercising their creative posting skills here. I know it's wrong to laugh at other people's perdicament, but this is too funny. And the thing here is that the mom and son have gotten "close" and that they were the only two living in the house.
Thrizzl3
03-21-2009, 08:43 PM
wtf!!!!
liquidzyklon
03-22-2009, 11:40 AM
WTF!!
That is wrong in so many levels. Probably some prank post online...
Dave_The_BMXER
03-22-2009, 12:42 PM
woah.
In FML news they got a book deal, don't know if anyone said that.
Thrizzl3
05-20-2009, 08:41 AM
new additions to F my life
LMAO grandma gets told my granddaughter
Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. (http://www.fmylife.com/kids/2076493) She said, "Here Nana, you sing". (http://www.fmylife.com/kids/2076493) I picked up the microphone and proceeded to sing " Jesus Loves Me". (http://www.fmylife.com/kids/2076493) She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't. (http://www.fmylife.com/kids/2076493)" FML (http://www.fmylife.com/kids/2076493)
AskClaudio.com
05-29-2009, 12:00 PM
Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. (http://www.fmylife.com/health/2372867) I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. (http://www.fmylife.com/health/2372867) I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. (http://www.fmylife.com/health/2372867)
FML
#2372867 (http://www.fmylife.com/health/2372867) (246) - 05/28/2009 at 1:15pm by ITguy1982
Ok I just read the one about the mom jerkin off the son and OMG... I laughed and said WTF so loud just now at my desk... Man that shyt is meeeeeeeeeessed up!!!! BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Who does that??
Even tho im not a guy, Im sorry if my mom EVER tried to touch me in my special place... I'd have to slap a bitch!! lol
AskClaudio.com
05-29-2009, 12:33 PM
FML rules, best iPhone app ever!
Zoom Zoom Boy
05-29-2009, 12:34 PM
Ok I just read the one about the mom jerkin off the son and OMG... I laughed and said WTF so loud just now at my desk... Man that shyt is meeeeeeeeeessed up!!!! BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Who does that??
Even tho im not a guy, Im sorry if my mom EVER tried to touch me in my special place... I'd have to slap a bitch!! lol
Apart from that, what guy could actually get and keep an erection with his Mom all over his junk...so gross and wrong on so many levels...
BUT FUNNY AS ALL HELL TOO!! :chuckle
Apart from that, what guy could actually get and keep an erection with his Mom all over his junk...so gross and wrong on so many levels...
BUT FUNNY AS ALL HELL TOO!! :chuckle
Yes... this screams incest on SOOOO many levels!!
"Hey mom, come check out my junk for my and give it a little fondle, see if anything is out of the ordinary..." :bana2
ElegantGremlin
05-29-2009, 12:58 PM
If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family :chuckle
Zoom Zoom Boy
05-29-2009, 01:04 PM
Yes... this screams incest on SOOOO many levels!!
"Hey mom, come check out my junk for my and give it a little fondle, see if anything is out of the ordinary..." :bana2
Yup...
Now, when I was younger, there were plenty of my friends who's Mom 's I wouldn't have minded having fondling my junk, but that is an entirely different conversation and thread. :)
AskClaudio.com
05-29-2009, 01:14 PM
Yup...
Now, when I was younger, there were plenty of my friends who's Mom 's I wouldn't have minded having fondling my junk, but that is an entirely different conversation and thread. :)
LOL! MILFHunter!
Luxury_Tax
05-29-2009, 01:19 PM
My fav FML post so far:
"Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML"
LOL! I almost spit my coffee all over my computer screen.
AskClaudio.com
05-29-2009, 01:31 PM
Oh snap! That would never happen with my dental hygienist, she is so hot!
My fav FML post so far:
"Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML"
LOL! I almost spit my coffee all over my computer screen.
That is F**CKING DISGUUUUUSTING!!! ewwwww!!!
Tokic_o
05-29-2009, 01:42 PM
Oh snap! That would never happen with my dental hygienist, she is so hot!
So thats the reason why u go to the hygienist you go to. Should've known.
mazdabetty
05-29-2009, 06:11 PM
Oh snap! That would never happen with my dental hygienist, she is so hot!
hahahhha, news flash, even the hottest of girls' sh!te still stanks!!!! :chuckle
omalak
05-29-2009, 06:26 PM
Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML
BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! ilove this site lol
SL3VIN
05-29-2009, 06:53 PM
http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/d/collegehumor.1d9f129b333aea8ef1b3a24daf7dc578.jpg
"Well they ARE driving a saturn..."
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