SirWanker
11-22-2011, 04:31 PM
For Entire Article (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-drive/car-life/road-sage/winter-driving-for-dummies/article2229244/)
All Season:
This driver is as constant as the Northern Star. He drives the same (badly) in all weather conditions and he has the all-season tires to prove it. You are most likely to spot this driver sliding toward you across two lanes atop a few inches of snow covering a layer of ice.
Braker Braker:
Oh my god! Is that a car behind me? I BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Is there a tiny bit of snow falling? I BETTER SLAM ON MY BRAKES! Is it sunny? SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Nothing bad can happen as long as I SLAM ON THE BRAKES!
The Expert:
“I don’t worry about winter driving. I know how to drive in winter. If you know how to drive it’s okay to go 80 km/h in a 40 km/h zone during a blizzard. No, I never went to skid school or trained but I’ve watched tons of winter driving videos on YouTube. Who has time to learn how to drive in the winter? I’m too busy driving in winter.”
Greenhouse Effect:
You know what’s super confusing? The defrost system of an automobile. Just how precisely do they work? I mean, the button says “defrost” and also has a picture symbolizing the act of defrosting but what does that really mean? The Greenhouse Effect is easy to locate – just look for an automobile that has windows so fogged up with icy humidity that the motorist operating it is effectively blind. Generally the driver is peering through a small hole the size of a snowball.
The Igloo:
While the rest of us wrestle with scrapers and brushes, the Igloo driver deals with a snowfall by running a gloved hand across his windshield – then he’s good to go. These rolling DQ ice cream cakes can be found in every town and city. They have zero visibility but don’t worry the snow and ice eventually melts off – around May.
Pride and Prejudice and 4-Wheel Drive:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good 4WD vehicle must believe that he has better stopping power than other drivers. However false this feeling – 4WD only provides better traction to accelerate to high speeds. They can’t stop any faster than two-wheeled vehicles – such men can be seen in every neighbourhood ripping down streets and crashing into stop signs or flying into highway ditches.
The Great Unwashed:
Just as men of a certain age are afraid to go out in the cold with wet hair, this driver is afraid to have him car washed during the winter. He is also loath to keep a spare jug of washer fluid in the trunk. The result? Dusty Beyond-Thunder-Dome vision-impaired cars that look as if they have been spray-painted with a combination of cat litter and glue.
Wiper Disciple:
A strange breed, the Wiper Disciple believes that any and all winter-related obstacles can be dealt with by turning on your windshield wipers. Facing a snow storm? Turn on wipers. Blizzard and freezing rain? Turn on wipers really fast. Black ice? Turn on wipers and two squirts of washer fluid. Can usually be found staring, mesmerized at their windshield wipers as they rock hypnotically back and forth.
All Season:
This driver is as constant as the Northern Star. He drives the same (badly) in all weather conditions and he has the all-season tires to prove it. You are most likely to spot this driver sliding toward you across two lanes atop a few inches of snow covering a layer of ice.
Braker Braker:
Oh my god! Is that a car behind me? I BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Is there a tiny bit of snow falling? I BETTER SLAM ON MY BRAKES! Is it sunny? SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Nothing bad can happen as long as I SLAM ON THE BRAKES!
The Expert:
“I don’t worry about winter driving. I know how to drive in winter. If you know how to drive it’s okay to go 80 km/h in a 40 km/h zone during a blizzard. No, I never went to skid school or trained but I’ve watched tons of winter driving videos on YouTube. Who has time to learn how to drive in the winter? I’m too busy driving in winter.”
Greenhouse Effect:
You know what’s super confusing? The defrost system of an automobile. Just how precisely do they work? I mean, the button says “defrost” and also has a picture symbolizing the act of defrosting but what does that really mean? The Greenhouse Effect is easy to locate – just look for an automobile that has windows so fogged up with icy humidity that the motorist operating it is effectively blind. Generally the driver is peering through a small hole the size of a snowball.
The Igloo:
While the rest of us wrestle with scrapers and brushes, the Igloo driver deals with a snowfall by running a gloved hand across his windshield – then he’s good to go. These rolling DQ ice cream cakes can be found in every town and city. They have zero visibility but don’t worry the snow and ice eventually melts off – around May.
Pride and Prejudice and 4-Wheel Drive:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good 4WD vehicle must believe that he has better stopping power than other drivers. However false this feeling – 4WD only provides better traction to accelerate to high speeds. They can’t stop any faster than two-wheeled vehicles – such men can be seen in every neighbourhood ripping down streets and crashing into stop signs or flying into highway ditches.
The Great Unwashed:
Just as men of a certain age are afraid to go out in the cold with wet hair, this driver is afraid to have him car washed during the winter. He is also loath to keep a spare jug of washer fluid in the trunk. The result? Dusty Beyond-Thunder-Dome vision-impaired cars that look as if they have been spray-painted with a combination of cat litter and glue.
Wiper Disciple:
A strange breed, the Wiper Disciple believes that any and all winter-related obstacles can be dealt with by turning on your windshield wipers. Facing a snow storm? Turn on wipers. Blizzard and freezing rain? Turn on wipers really fast. Black ice? Turn on wipers and two squirts of washer fluid. Can usually be found staring, mesmerized at their windshield wipers as they rock hypnotically back and forth.